Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings by Letting Yourself Have Them

Author:Tina Gilbertson [Gilbertson, Tina]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781936740963
Publisher: Cleis Press
Published: 2014-05-19T00:00:00+00:00

Reason #11: Improve your relationships

What are your relationships based on? Is it doing things together? Sharing the same hobby, the same neighborhood, the same boss?

Do your relationships depend on your being helpful to the other person? Agreeing with everything they say? Giving or receiving advice?

When you think about the bonds that hold you close to the people in your life, how much has to do with sharing your emotional life with them? I don’t mean talking about emotions (“I’m so mad at Debbie, I could spit!” “Tell me what happened.” “Well, she called me up the other day and…”). I mean really sharing: showing, not just telling, what’s important to you by letting others see your concern, your anger, your excitement, or your tears.

Relationships based on doing activities or sharing circumstances are held together by situational bonds. These can break when the situation breaks down. Ever changed jobs or addresses and lost friends when you left? Those were situational friends.

Relationships based on roles you play, like advice-giver, good listener, cheerleader, or helper, are held together by contractual bonds; there’s an unspoken contract that binds you to act a certain way in the relationship. If you step outside your role too far, or for too long, these bonds can break.

Relationships based on acknowledging and respecting each other’s feelings are held together by emotional bonds. These are the most flexible and therefore the least likely to break if the situation changes. And there’s no role playing, because each person gets to be him- or herself.

When you’re tied to someone by emotional, rather than situational or contractual, bonds, you feel loved and respected for who you really are. You don’t have to wonder why the other person likes you. They like who you are, because that’s who you’ve presented to them. They know the real you, warts and all, and they like the person they know. What would be different in your life if all your relationships were based on that kind of bond?

Before you can feel safe bonding with another person like this, you need to feel safe within yourself to be yourself. (W)allowing in your emotions, especially with the support of a compassionate other person such as a counselor or friend, primes you for a new kind of relationship that doesn’t rely on situations or role-playing. There may be people already in your life who would welcome the chance to share an emotional bond with you; if not, there are new potential friends waiting to meet you when you’re ready.

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